Thursday, August 10, 2017

Begin Again

I seem to have a dirty habit of starting a blog, running it for a year or so and then shutting it down. I've done this, what, three times? I grow a small and loyal following (the best kind!) and get some sweet free products to try from amazing small businesses, and then I throw it all away. I'm indecisive by nature and have always been very critical of my own work in whatever for it takes on; writing, painting, sketching, organizing and designing have all fallen victim to my relentless personal criticism. It is when indecision and intense critiques combine that I catch myself destroying my hard work. I've scrapped numerous paintings because of small details I personally cannot get over. One small imperfection can ruin an entire work for me. Honestly, I'm not even a perfectionist and I'm not nearly as critical of other people's work as I am with my own. But the hunt for perfection has been an endless one for me, and although I fully and logically understand that perfection is a facade, I still cannot stop trying to catch it. 

I've had a long break from writing and filming and creating. While I was gone I wondered if I was finally "over it" all. Writing and sharing, filming and creating, were these all just momentary interests I mistook for my passions? My mind has been consumed by stress and hard decisions, a myriad of challenges placed in front of me and at the end of each day I was physically too tired to think about it any longer. I mistook that fatigue for disinterest. I was still very much consuming creative content and dreaming of publishing my works once more but was too overwhelmed by the real world to put those dreams back into motion. 

Today, and at the beginning of each day following, I challenge myself to begin again and this time I don't want it to stop. I don't believe that writing is a phase for me, I mean, I've always loved to write. I've always loved to draw and sketch and paint and create. Filming is the baby of my creative passions but I do believe it is here to stay. Story telling, connecting, sharing and learning. These are my passions. I want to see them through. This is my fourth blog, and I challenge myself to make it my last. No matter how hard and relentless my inevitable critiquing will be, I want to write and create and learn and film and share until I am very very sure that I have had enough. 

Something I want to touch on before ending this post; some may be asking why not just write and create for yourself instead of sharing it with others online? It is true, you do not need a public space to create. But I feel like it gives me purpose. I'm not talking about my life purpose here, I haven't the slightest idea of what that is. However, I feel as though publishing my content online gives me a sense of purpose. Sharing my content allows me to connect and get reactions, and perhaps even learn from someone else. It's that extra human connection outside of my normal surroundings that draws me in. I love my fiancé and my mother, they read my content and I appreciate that more than they know. But I know that no matter how interested in my content they say they are, they are ultimately consuming that content for me. I never want to make someone feel like they have to do that. Maybe I'm not explaining this well enough, but it all makes sense in my head and that's all I have to say about that. 

-Stephanie 📷